Naming Feelings: Helping Children Talk About Emotions

A small child who is tired, hungry and disappointed might only have one word for all of it: “No!” Or they might not have words at all, and express the feeling by throwing a toy. Part of growing up is learning to recognise different feelings and put names to them.

This is sometimes called emotional literacy. Children who can say “I’m frustrated” or “I’m nervous” have taken the first step towards managing those feelings, because a feeling with a name is easier to talk about and easier to deal with.

Start by naming your own feelings

Children learn emotional language by hearing it. Describe your own feelings in simple, everyday ways:

• “I’m feeling a bit grumpy because I didn’t sleep well.”
• “I was nervous before my meeting, so I took some deep breaths.”
• “I’m excited about seeing Grandma tomorrow.”

This shows that everyone has feelings, including adults, and that feelings can be talked about calmly.

Name what you see in your child

When your child is upset, offer a word for what you think they feel:

• “You look disappointed that the park is closed.”
• “It seems like you’re worried about the spelling test.”
• “You’re cross because your tower fell down.”

If you have guessed wrong, they will often correct you, which is still helpful. “I’m not cross, I’m sad!”

Go beyond happy, sad and angry

Once children know the basic feelings, add more precise words. A wider vocabulary helps children notice the differences between feelings.

• Instead of angry: frustrated, annoyed, furious, irritated
• Instead of sad: disappointed, lonely, hurt, left out
• Instead of happy: proud, calm, excited, relieved
• Instead of scared: nervous, worried, embarrassed, unsure

Use stories

Books and films are full of feelings. Pause and ask:

• “How do you think he feels right now?”
• “Why might she be upset?”
• “Have you ever felt like that?”

Talking about a character’s feelings is often easier than talking about your own, especially for shy children.

Try a feelings check-in

Some families have a quick daily check-in, perhaps at dinner or bedtime. Each person shares one feeling from their day and what caused it. A simple chart with faces can help younger children point to how they feel.

All feelings are allowed, not all behaviour

Make it clear that every feeling is acceptable, even big, uncomfortable ones. What we do with the feeling is where the limits come in. “It’s okay to feel angry with your sister. It’s not okay to hit her. Let’s find another way to show you’re angry.”

Link feelings to the body

Many children notice body signals before they recognise the emotion. Help them connect the two:

• “When I’m nervous, my tummy feels fluttery.”
• “When I’m angry, my face gets hot and my hands make fists.”

Noticing these signs early gives children a chance to use a calming strategy before the feeling takes over.

Be patient

Emotional language grows slowly, through hundreds of small conversations. Some children, including many autistic children, may find it harder to identify their own feelings and may need more visual support and more time. Every word you help a child learn gives them another way to be understood.