Sibling Rivalry: Fewer Referee Moments, More Teamwork

If you have more than one child, you have probably spent part of today acting as a referee. Who had the toy first, whose turn it is to sit in the front seat, who is looking at whom. Sibling arguments are among the most common sources of stress in family life.

Some conflict between siblings is normal, and even useful. Brothers and sisters practise sharing, negotiating, standing up for themselves and making up, all in a relatively safe setting. The goal is not to remove every argument. It is to make them less frequent, less intense and more often solved by the children themselves.

Avoid comparisons

“Why can’t you be tidy like your sister?” may feel like gentle encouragement, but it sets children up as competitors. The child being compared feels resentful, and the child held up as the example feels pressure. Talk to each child about their own behaviour, without reference to the other.

Give each child time alone with you

Much rivalry comes from competition for attention. Even ten minutes of one-to-one time a few times a week, doing something the child chooses, can reduce that need. Call it something special, such as “our time”, and protect it.

Treat them fairly, not identically

Children of different ages need different things. A teenager may have a later bedtime than a seven-year-old. Fair means each child gets what they need, not that everything is the same. Explain this openly. Children accept differences more easily when they understand the reason.

Teach problem-solving instead of solving it for them

When a minor argument starts, try coaching rather than ruling:

1. Describe the problem: “You both want the blue scooter.”
2. Acknowledge both sides: “You’ve been waiting, and you only just got on.”
3. Ask for ideas: “What could you do so it’s fair?”
4. Let them choose a solution, and check back later.

This takes longer at first. Over time, children start using the same steps without you.

Step in when it is unsafe

Coaching is for squabbles. If there is hitting, serious name-calling or one child is being consistently overpowered, step in straight away. Separate the children calmly, make sure everyone is safe, and talk once things have settled.

Do not hunt for who started it

Investigations into who started a fight rarely end well. Each child has their own version, and both often contributed. Focus on what happens next: “You’re both upset. How are we going to sort this out?”

Notice the good moments

Praise cooperation when you see it. “You two built that den together, and you took turns being the door. That was great teamwork.” Children tend to repeat what gets noticed.

Make house rules together

Hold a short family meeting to agree a few rules, such as no hitting, knock before entering a bedroom, and ask before borrowing. When the children help make the rules, they feel more ownership and can remind each other.

Remember the long view

Many siblings who argued constantly as children grow into close adults. The skills they practise now, compromise, apology and standing up for themselves, will matter in friendships, at work and in their own families later on.