Self-Esteem and Self-Confidence in Children: What’s the Difference?

People often use “self-esteem” and “confidence” as if they meant the same thing. They overlap, but separating them is useful, because the ways adults help with each are slightly different. A child can be confident at football and still feel, underneath, that they are not much good as a person. Another child can feel fundamentally fine about who they are while being nervous about reading aloud.

Two different questions

Self-esteem answers the question “Am I all right, as a person?” The sociologist Morris Rosenberg, whose 1965 scale is still one of the most used measures, described it as a person’s overall attitude towards themselves, positive or negative. Susan Harter, who spent decades researching children’s self-perceptions, used the term “global self-worth” for this broad sense of liking and accepting oneself.

Self-confidence answers a narrower question: “Can I do this?” It tends to be tied to particular tasks or areas. The psychologist Albert Bandura called this belief in one’s ability to succeed at a specific task self-efficacy, and showed in work from 1977 onwards that it affects whether people attempt something, how much effort they put in, and how long they keep going when it gets hard.

Harter’s research showed that children judge themselves separately in different areas, such as schoolwork, friendships, sport, appearance and behaviour. How much a weakness in one area dents overall self-worth depends partly on how important that area feels to the child. A pupil who does not care much about sport may shrug off being picked last. A pupil whose family places great weight on academic results may feel a low maths mark as a judgement on who they are.

Higher self-esteem is not a cure-all

For a while, raising self-esteem was treated as a route to better grades, better behaviour and fewer problems. A large review by Roy Baumeister and colleagues in 2003 looked at the evidence and found the picture was more modest. People with high self-esteem were happier and more willing to try things, but high self-esteem did not reliably cause better school performance. In many cases, doing well seemed to raise self-esteem rather than the other way around.

That matters in practice. Telling children they are wonderful does not, on its own, make them more capable. Helping them become more capable, and making sure they feel valued whatever the outcome, is a better aim.

Warmth, not overvaluation

A 2015 study by Eddie Brummelman and colleagues, published in Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences, followed 565 children in the Netherlands aged 7 to 11, and their parents, over about eighteen months. Parental warmth (showing affection, enjoying time together) predicted higher self-esteem later. Parental overvaluation, meaning parents seeing their child as more special or more gifted than other children, predicted higher narcissism later and did not predict higher self-esteem.

The authors were careful to say that temperament and genetics also play a part. But the message for adults is useful: children seem to benefit from being loved as they are more than from being told they are better than others.

How adults can help

For self-esteem

• Show children they matter regardless of performance. Time together, interest in what they care about, and affection that does not depend on results all send that message.
• Separate the child from the behaviour. “That was unkind” is easier to hear and learn from than “You’re unkind.”
• Listen to how children talk about themselves. A child who often says “I’m rubbish” or “Nobody likes me” may need more than reassurance. There are ideas in When Your Child Says ‘I’m Stupid’.
• Avoid comparisons with siblings and classmates. They teach children that their worth is relative.

For confidence

Bandura described four main sources of self-efficacy, and they translate well into everyday life.

1. Mastery experiences. Succeeding at something that felt hard is the strongest source. Give children tasks that stretch them a little but are achievable, and let them do it themselves even when it would be quicker for you.
2. Seeing others like them succeed. Watching a peer or older sibling manage something builds belief that “I could too”.
3. Encouragement from people they trust. Specific, believable encouragement helps more than general cheerleading.
4. How their body feels. Nerves can be read as “I can’t do this” or as “I’m getting ready”. Talking about butterflies as normal can help.

Praise plays a part here, but the kind matters. Research by Brummelman and colleagues in 2014 found that children with low self-esteem who received inflated praise (“That’s incredibly beautiful!”) were afterwards less likely to choose a challenging task. Praise that describes what the child did, and the effort or strategy behind it, tends to be more useful. I have written more about this in Praise That Builds Effort, Not Pressure.

In school

In the classroom, I find it helps to think about both layers. A pupil’s confidence in a subject can grow quickly once they have some success, so well-pitched tasks and early wins matter. Self-esteem is slower and more personal. It comes from relationships: being greeted by name, being noticed when you are quiet, being treated fairly after a difficult day. Pupils with special educational needs can be especially exposed to the feeling that they are always behind, so it is worth being deliberate about showing them what they have learned, not only what they still find hard.

When to seek support

Some ups and downs in how children feel about themselves are normal, especially around change, friendship problems or exams. Speak to your child’s teacher, the school SENCO or pastoral lead, or your GP if low self-worth is persistent, if your child talks about hating themselves or not wanting to be here, or if it comes with changes in eating, sleeping or withdrawing from things they used to enjoy. If you think a child is at immediate risk, call 999.

Further reading

• Bandura, A. (1977). Self-efficacy: toward a unifying theory of behavioral change. Psychological Review, 84(2), 191-215.
• Baumeister, R. F., Campbell, J. D., Krueger, J. I. and Vohs, K. D. (2003). Does high self-esteem cause better performance, interpersonal success, happiness, or healthier lifestyles? Psychological Science in the Public Interest, 4(1), 1-44.
• Brummelman, E. et al. (2015). Origins of narcissism in children. Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences, 112(12), 3659-3662.
• Brummelman, E. et al. (2014). “That’s not just beautiful, that’s incredibly beautiful!”: the adverse impact of inflated praise on children with low self-esteem. Psychological Science, 25(3), 728-735.
• Harter, S. (2012). The Construction of the Self: Developmental and Sociocultural Foundations (2nd ed.). Guilford Press.
• Rosenberg, M. (1965). Society and the Adolescent Self-Image. Princeton University Press.

Cover image: Photo by Aarón Blanco Tejedor on Unsplash.